how to nail a fresh thing

In France there is a saying that you can take anybody to bed so long as the preliminaries are done in French .I guess many men would not mind such a situation in Kenya though I wonder which language would be involved in the preliminaries…..may be sheng...i don’t know but one thing for sure is that it would not be luo, luhya...or even kyuk.Ever tried to katia in kyuk? I tried once but could not even secure a first date despite my spirited efforts…But for the ‘hard work’ I got a hug, but which man appreciates a hug unless there is something more to come?
Any way that’s neither here nor there. So the big question I guess at the end of the semester on the lips of most of the men around kafete is how many freshaz they have nailed. Basically it will be time to take stock of the many or otherwise nailings that have happened. Of course it will be good to savour the moment incase one finds out that he has achieved both what I call operational and intermediate targets. Operational targets basically mean the number of short term nailings what mature people would call one night stands.(by the way, I have never understood why that name but maybe when I grow up I will come to understand or even grasp its intended meaning…When that time itakuwa siku njema). On the other hand intermediate targets refer to anything else that’s not operational, that is, where there is chance of future interaction.
It may look easy, but I can assure u that nailing(s) does not come that easy as many men of kafete would wish. But that does not mean its rocket science and even if it were I think kafete has its fair share of genus (s) who are better of in others matters but not academics and that explains why despite the fact that we have the highest number of intellectuals per square km if you walk around trying to look for an intellect u may be frustrated. But one thing for sure is that around kafete intelligence has been channeled to some other more ‘important’ things like trying to study the opposite sex’s differing anatomical prowess or lack of it.
May be am having a kind of a fixation with this thing called intercourse (sex) but show me one man who does not think or pray for it and I will show you a black pope. That does not mean that men should always think about it but it’s good to be a man. Long ago women used to think that the way to a man’s heart was through the stomach but I guess they were just thinking rather too high. I remember even when I was young and thinking a bit straight my dream job was to be a doctor specifically a gynecologist, basically in my mind there was no other better job, but that was until somebody described a gynecologist as a person who looks for trouble where others find pleasure. At least by deciding to be an accountant it helps me account for all my deeds including valuing fairly of prospective females, keeping stock of all successful hunts as well keeping a better audit trail so that in case need arises for a return leg I can know the steps I used to get the first match so that I prepare well for the rematch.
I know I have disappointed lots of brothers who were waiting to get a manual of how to nail those fresh or near fresh things in blocks. It’s simple any brother who is ‘man’ needs no manual in nailing a fresha,there is nothing like a nailing or dating manual, if you know what you want go for it and as the good book says seek and it shall be given unto you. AMEN
KBC (Mutongoria)

kbc in mombasa

sometimes somethings are so hyped up that u r ready to do what eva it takes to be part of it.But ones u get a taste of it u sometimes leave with a feeling that as much as its good on the face of it or prima facie..it doesnt deserve all the praise it gets.Take forexample this gal i hav always thot is hi class then am dissappointed to find out she is as blonde as eva.
any way thats neitha here nor there....so due to all the hype about costo i decided that my throat thats always thirsty 4 alcohol needed to taste some different frothy liquids. Thats how i decided that costo ni lazima niende. I also entertained the thot of seeing some kafete women who are always clad as if its winter in some sexy outfit as they enjoy the coastal beaches.Although i was sure that would seldom happen i reasoned that in any case i would not miss to see some care free coastal women clad as if clothing was a luxury.
To cut the long story short..i arrive with the boyz (the usual suspects) on friday morning to be welcomed by .....

save me from this fresha

i rarely meet them, and even when it happens they seldom stick to me..i dont kno why but thats not what am talking about today..coz now i am in another kinda of shit. One vey good looking fresh one has decided to turn what i thot was a match made in heaven into some kind of hell on earth for me.

All i can tell u (the fresha) is that a man like me needs his space to engage in alcohol partaking, porojo kiasi na maboiz..kucheki warembo wengine especially now that some of the best asses are about to leave kabete...i also need my time to think and act stupid without being seeing like i planned it..i also need space to insult afew pple here and there.....so if you want me to remain the cool smart aaand laid kind of guy u think i am give me space so that u save your self from seeing the me u dont.

oooh i wish..

why it should on me rain tonite

I have always wondered why that institution called marriage came to being.i try to figure out how i can stay with one skirt wearer for like 50 yrs not to mention the years called 'for beta or for worst'.i think cheating especially for men should be allowed to prevent men from suffering that disease called 'onegina'(that disease that prevents u from exploring)

Recently i was told that rain makes every thing beautiful..the flowers , the landscape and even the dirty animals.Basically i wonna get rained on so that i can also start talking suffering from some sort of disease whether u call it one gina or woteva .....the reason am saying so its coz recently ...

how things have changed in kafete

Its been long since i was here.....but finally my HELB imeisha and now i can think about constructive things like writing 3rd rate articles and in the process steping on some peoples toes with impunity like am about to do.kindly note that HElB kuisha notwithstanding kukunywa ni lazima after all there is lots of free time in kabete and since am not the type that makes those long journies to the lakeside city of maseno or blocks in search of porojo or to some extent the 'goodies' then u understand why kukunywa ni lazima!!!!!!!!!

Anyway thats neither here nor there.This semester has been sort of a relevation to me.i mean lots of things have changed and even some things i thot would not happen in kafete are happening...for example a drunk in the name of yours truly is now a mheshimiwa or wot they call a congressman,another thing is that who would have thot that women from the lakeside city of maseno would loose mkt in such an instant given their "beauty" but blame it on the sooo fresh freshaz.
But for me the most interesting thing is that some pple who call themselves dudes are involved in what we call PS(private sector), am just wondering my friends(dudes) wots up?But then am told dudeisim has not been thrown to the dogs but coz the PS thes guys..oops..dudes are involved in is the kawaida one...listen to this..these guys dont ati cook sukuma ugali..or some stuff like that..these dudes cook things in the name of MACHIPO..lol..PIZZA etc
Enyewe vitu zimechange!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kindly note that CODE12 june issue will be out by 25th june

back from recess

Finally am back...though not as enthusiasically as i wud hav wanted...but watch this space..

why am complaining

the last time we talked i was on my way to ocha...where i was going to specifically water my tonsils.the place where swallows come at the right temperature and price..i also mentioned something to do with sharity...the customer servive lady at my local..who has a posterior that makes heads turn litelary.
when i was writing this afew wks ago i wanted to tell u about how a certain bash i was invited to went down...but since my memory aint that good at remembering good things...then i wil just hijack this post and talk about something different.
but b4 i do i wud b in order to wish that dude called treva a happi 45th birth day..i also say thanx for the many beers we enjoyed with my fello goons (read LEE & co)...although i hear u were left cursing after we sniped u..after we saw the bill....but i think u learnt ur lesson.of neva again to invide goons to a club which is north of moi avenue...(sisi ni watu wa downtown..y lie)..

that was neither here nor there.av been away from kafete 4 6 months..and for the first time i missed fellow classmates most of whom i eitha dnt kno their names or i hav forgotten. the problem with missing pple so much is that its highly very unlikely that they will return the favour.its very easy to gauge whether u were missed or not..eg the number of hugs u get on the first day, the number of pple who say hi ken instead of just hi..etc.
but am not so disappointed...i here pple are stil nursing corporate hengi..so in afew wksa time wen the hengis r over maybe i wil realize i was also missed.............but one thing am sure is that as much as pple wil overcome these corporate hengis......some will take long to get over especially with the ladies...and thats why i am ready to share the roads of kafete with many more yana tyres, celtel, EABL vans..etc...i hear u cant reside in some part of that place called maseno if if u aint corportae...but thats a story for another day........in the meant time..keep those hugs coming...but this applys only to the 'beautiful women of maseno'

recess

dear readers of this my blog...its sad that am informing u this butmtaelewa


i hav decided to take a deserved break...i wil be going to a place called neckta pot..my local in ocha..where i wil be served by one woman called sharity....she who has a posterial that neva ends.

life teachings

.....cont..…
.........................................................................
...the good thing about having my sessions in my local pub is that it’s the only opportunity I get to share a table with my medicine man, my MP and my church pastor(sshhh.. that’s a secret) and better still share the golden waters of Ruaraka.

After I ordered the down payment (2 beers) we were ready to start and here came his first question “if there was no death, how could the inheritor get thing???” must admit that hit me so hard I thought EABL had decided to increase the alcohol content in its waters without informing the swimmers. It also brought back the sad memories of ‘love’ now safely buried in my heart, only as a memory.

“This is lesson number 1” woo, I thought to my self, death before birth, unless it’s in Ken kbc philosophy of life (refer to the side bar of this page). He went on. “When I was coming to this watering hole (NI LAZIMA AFIKE) I had a flat tyre, what do think I did?” that was pretty simple. “Replaced the flat tyre with the spare and move on” I answered, by now just about to ask for refund coz love and tyres to me didn’t have any relationship (haiwess).

My pastor interrupted, trying to recite his last verses before drowning in the waters of EABL, which were now getting deeper as he poured his 5th bottle. “Even when Mosses could not get the children of Israel to Canaan, he had to choose someone”.

After a few minutes of silence I knew it was time to order for the second down payment, which I did. “Good” he went on. “It’s the same principle with women, whenever they are driving the vehicle called ‘love’ to destination ‘my man’ and they get a puncture ‘absence of a man’ they don’t stop”.

My my my, I had never looked at love from a drunkard point of view, but it was getting interesting. “Heartbroken women provide the best fishing grounds, because they are always desperate to fill the void left behind.”

As I ordered the third and final installment, he concluded, “since you missed on been the manufactures first choice tyre, just look out for a tyre burst and be the perfect spare part.” Had never thought of myself as a spare (most men have never) but it was a lesson learnt and may be, just may be, an option.

As we left, he challenged me to ponder over lesson number two; “the man to woman ratio of 7:1 only means that you must have at least 7 heart breaks before you find the true one” can’t wait……….

my power sharing woes

Finally somebody decided to be with KBC. Talk of the power of personal selling coupled with the quality of the product being sold.But unfortunately thats where the good part ends.Am supposed to say am hooked up..but since there is a new word in town am forced to say 'we r hooked up'.seems crazy but to avoid suspicion in this young and fragile relationship.....oops.eeh..'love coalition' a m forced to to go by what i signed for : some thing we called 'a love m o u'.
Am not into this love thing..but as they say if u want to bath then u must remove your clothes.....and i also kno that the sweetness of the pudding is in the eating..and since i sense some sweetness somewhere and i wonna taste it..then i hav to do all that appertains..so that when the meal is ready i can indulge comfortably.

But thats neither here nor there..i was meant to tell you how the new word in town is wrecking my new found 'good' life...yeah u heard it..its a good life..kwani wot else wud u call this time am having now..sweet sms's all over my inbox..although u dnt expect to find the same in my outbox..am not soo good in these things u kno. there is also the imaginary smooches i get in my dreams when a goodnite sms has some message to the effect that i dream about her....But thats where the good part ends..coz when it comes to return the favour since this thing is supposed to be 50:50.things get a little bit trickier...since sms's are always coming am supposed to do the same.So, imagine me composing ati sweet sms's every 2 hrs or so...ni fyam.av always thot am creative enough but when all i can do is send fowards and recycle them now and then..then i start to doubt my self.Am also told that since am the so called senior partner in this love coalition..am not even supposed to sms..i shud call..thats why i have so many 'pls call me's in my inbox.

Not that i cant call but my fone..is not used to calling pple on all days apart from Friday when am busy organizing troops for some serious swimming session in river ruaraka.But since tough times call for tough measures i have decided that in the interest of the coalition i wil do the calling on condition that...............................................

In the loving memory of ‘love’

Many people (even myself) think that am crazy whenever I say am going to visit a cemetery in my heart. I choose to lay to rest my love thea with the hope that 1 day I will find it alive. I always feel the urge to constantly pay my respect to the one thing I have never really understood, 'they call it love'.

For a long time I had always wondered why people say they are in love with thea cars, bank accounts, Beers and even pets, but now I tend to understand the reason why, women are no longer worth loving. Love is supposed to be 2 way, reciprocated. When you love your car, you never expect any emotions in return so you never feel disappointed or shortchanged.

Yah, your guess is right, I have fallen in love with cars, beer and lastly with a woman, a fall too painful I prefer to hold it only as a memory; they say you learn from this but am still waiting to see how. So hurt was I that I had to visit a medicine man, luckily he is always available at my local pub and this how the story went...........................................

…
Article by guest writer.

For cont……Check out ‘CODE 12’ April issue

Rumor has it….

In 'Kafete' the 2nd years have always traded accusation on each other of 'not been tight' with the comrades from Kape and Maseno been the masters of this. Unfortunately, no one is willing to take the blame. Rumor has it that the loudest complainers are those of us who are single and our only way of getting all those 'goodies' of different variety (not to mention sizes), and in one go is through the class get 2gethers.

The class dinner (ilikuwa mamayao) brought us to reality that one can built a mud hut on top of a gold mine, sleep in it hungry and sit all day cursing the creator as to why he is so unfair yet 'vitu' ziko pale pale, papo papo hapo ulipo. Rumor has it that’s why the brand 'Nyama'' formally a men’s only thing was re-branded to include those of the opposite sex and guess that came in handy as a knight in shining armor after all the devastating drought of goodies. (hugs, smiles and.......name it).

But reviewing the get 2gethers from a different angle, I have noted some 'trade marks' habits that surely show where you belong. Here are a few:

• The machipo boys. This guys really shika me especially with thea unsaid slogan, "kaa hakuna machipo haiwezi shika". Trust me; for this guys machipo accompany anything be it Nyama, Beer or Ice-cream and anywhere, a bash in Kape, Nyama in upper hill, pork in Kafete or rock night in cani. Rumor has it that the reason some of them were late for class dinner, was that they had to have some machipo to get in the mood and reorganize thea vibes.
• The Ruaraka boys. The golden waters really do these boys some good. so much that whenever thea is a black out in Kafete, a quick visit is organized to 'kamuteini' to recharge the inner eyes and some times to open 'the inner heart' commonly known as kufungua roho, Rumor has it that during the get together, King King (KK) could be spotted hanging in some of thea coats, how true it is, I don’t know
• The lib boys. Under captain Phillip its Books books and more vitabu. I mean books is everything to this guys (they know better than all the others why they are in Kafete). No wonder you don’t see many of them in any get together unless we organize one in the lib. Rumor has it that the last Nyama session they sent an apology letter saying that they could not make it coz they were arranging the lib in readiness for next sem.(I hear watu watakuwa serious). Rumor also has it that they were protesting that the class dinner starts at 10.00 (after lib imefungwa, bet kantai doesn’t jua this). May be they required some time to research on 'how to turn dinners to opportunities ' and probably write a few Mwakenyas. Funny enough, Some of these guys have already named thea Board of Directors once they make it to one of Kenya’s top companies.

People, if we have to be together, we must have a way of accommodating and appreciating each other. I mean create an environment where Machipo, golden waters and books can co-exist. We need to find a mediator to strike a space sharing deal between the three parties and rumor has it, who is better suited than MZEE KAZIKWISHA (I don’t jua his real name), a person who we can all trust yet we jua little or nothing about him. But that’s a story for another day.

Watch out for the Maseno version

Article by guest writter

I wonna be with KBC

"WOT I WANT TO HEAR A WOMAN SAY"
'Wot do i want from the new kenya?..i want a husband..a man for that matter.i want a man who is not all ova me..a man who gives me space....a man who likes his drink..a man.who wil face me in the face and tel me 'gal u dnt look soo gud in that dress..beta being without clothes at all'..i want a man who goes to church on fridays..a man who wil share the blessings with me the whole wkend....a man who who does not talk much..a man who is a bit shy yet not shy to me...i want a man who wil not introduce me to his friends coz i hate ..drunk friends...i want a man who is not jealous...a man who believes and demonstrates the act of sharing.....a man with all these qualities together.........i want to be with KBC.'

How to make my woman happy

The fact that I don’t really like women (apart from my mum), let alone having them is no secret. Not that my vibes ziko down bearing the fact that I got my first kiss in STD 2 (hiyo nimepost hadi kwa CV ya mine). Have never had nasty experiences with them but the tales my pals share, scares me from even trying the love waters, but I surely do enjoy some waters especially the Ruaraka ones. Unfortunately, age is catching up with me and not to rub my clan the wrong way I have to find one of the opposite sex.

My mama once told me I would make a woman happy, but I guess she forgot to fill me in on how. But since I now have to make one happy, this my plan

• Will never be unfaithful. As per the holy book, that I will never sleep with any other woman, but not with my bottle. She will never have to worry about STD’s coz all the time I will be too drunk to sleep at home let alone even to touch her.
• I will sell my only plot in Ocha to cater for our honeymoon. This will defiantly start our marriage on a very high note. It will be one she will live to remember and be proud to share with her friends. This will be in one condition, ¾ of the budget will be allocated for my beers.
• She can sleep out whenever she wants. Have heard that bad sex is a recipe for divorce, guess this will make sure she gets enough experience to bring in our bedroom and will also give me more time with my bottle.
• She will have full access to my bank account. This will give her the muscle to control our finances. We will never have to argue money (especially after a good time with my beer). Will also make sure the account gets regular deposits, that is coin change after my beer
• Will pay our children school fee fully and on time. Our kids will never be chased out of class for lack of school fee. Guess that will be simple since there is free primary and secondary education and none of them will make it to campus, that’s why before every beer; I toss ‘Kibaki tena’.

Having implemented my 5 step strategic plan, I would make any woman happy unless she doesn’t want to. As they say, some have eyes and they don’t see, some ears but they don’t listen while others just don’t want to be happy.

Guess all women reading this long to be my one and only one. Please send your detailed applications before this offer runs out.


Article by guest writer

how we wrecked havoc on some ribs

if u r reading this and u were supposed to come on sato for nyamchom that i had so painstakingly organised yet didnt show ur not so good looking anatomy up be assured that u are forgiven and bear in mind that ur absence was highly unrecognized.the reason am saying so is coz that day reminded me of the so many dates with potential projects that i have sabotaged or wrecked.but my case is understandable coz most of the said projects, i meet them in very ungodly places and of course at those times am also in some un natural state most likely after swallowing a few liters of the holy waters of ruaraka . so its understandable that i might go home at some ungodly hrs on friday with my phone loaded with a number of new contacts of wud be projects but come saturday and my head clears up and i realize that having contacts of pple whom i can barely visualise aint that a gud idea.

nway thats neither here nor there, i was telling u of how last sato i was meant to meet so many pple who in afew yrs time i wil hav forgoten that i spent 4 yrs with. these pple r wot i call fello campaserians or kafeterians or to be politically correct comrades, although our comradeship applies only wen am not in the moods of doing assignments and i hav to write a fair copy of their work as my assignment.
basically wot am saying is that i had high expectations of meeting the comrades especially the she ones of course for obvious reasons.i had tried to get some decent sleep on friday but the thot of all those free hugs kept flashing on my mind and given that fridays i attend 'mass' and was really possessed , my mind was just overwhelmed.

in the spirit that i wud b the man of the moment i arrive at the location like 4 hrs b4 the agreed time. my mind tells me that if i can be efficient with my swallowing i can clear like 4 warm ones b4 the comrades arrive. my reasoning is that 3 of them wil be to clear fridays frotha thats giving me head ache and 1 is to refresh my mind of hw some comrades used to look like, but i also kno that if comrades dnt come the frotha wil come in handy to calm my nerves and prevent me from doing stupid things in my frustration.

i was almost through with my pre budgeted swallows wen i got a lifeline that at least the ka bash wud not fail after all.a friend i call cutman cals and says he is on the way together with some project he has been chasing for i dnt kno howlong....that is to say that the wiper team is on the wei. contractor is the comrade who if he is not confused then amechanganykiwa ..and thats not good news if u r chasing a project in the magnitude of one daughter of ukambani i wil cal mtoto 4 now.
nxt to arrive is wot i wud call the couple that is stil confused whether they r stil dating or otherwise..i mean the fella whom i wil call omoisio is pretty confident that he has a wife..on the other hand the so called wife a woman i wil cal muiritu wa nyumba is stil looking foward for the first real date..i mean where for ones academics / assignments wunt b discussed.

then the usual suspects started to arrive..first is one guy i call trash.as i told u b4 in some earlier posts this is the one who epitomizes the art and science of foot and mouth, if u r lost on that one..then i wil make it simpler.its the art of kuchemsha maji and then some1 else drinks the tea.
i cant forget the other usual suspect who travelled from a place called karatina which to him is a city although the only traffic jam u get on those sides is of pple going to the place they call mburoti or market carrying all manner of goods.this is also the fella who likes to drink his swallo facing mountkenya. this fella has watered my throat 4 so long that if i were to repay him i cud only remain with my pipe trousers only.

................to be..........continued

'Maliza twende'

The problem with pple like me is we/i tend to criticize soo many things yet i cant do any beta. like am always cursing why i dont have a ka project yet i spend most of my time either criticizing potential projects or doing things that dnt do any good to my marketability, dont start getting ideas coz i believe some of those activities are a way of life to me....and thats why i dnt consider my deep luv for frotha as a bad thing'i .

some time i jst look at my self and cant stop laughing at myself.as in, here i am ,so single and the future looking like it wil not be so different.They say a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step but pple like me who would rather sleep and dream of waking up after the a thousand miles dnt subscribe to that thought.

There are those things that i dnt like doing yet i expect results.Things like walking up to that skirt wearer whose looks give me an effect similar to that one of 6 cold ones. may be that part aint so hard ,but when it comes to impressing upon her and telling her things to the effect that although i may not be so good looking, that looks sometimes lie and that what matters is wots inside. the prospect of being told 'kbc usijitetee saaana am here for u' are so remote , is like the prospect of kibaki saying 'raila tosha'

the good thing with me is that when ever i visit a watering whole i get to meet so many others like me that i find solace and to make matters sweeter even some skirt wearers.
The good thing with watering holes especially after a few 1,2 is that suddenly u seem cute to every one and every one in turn looks cute to u and the only pick up line u wil use is one
"MALIZA TWENDE"

why i am very afraid

Days are moving so fast nowadays..i mean jst the other day i was 17 yrs, today am almost 22.am worried coz i dnt wonna get old.....i dnt want to imagine myself being 70 in the nxt few yrs.my real fear is that at 70 may be i will soo rich yet money wunt help me have any fun i wish for now.most likely my liver will be a baggage to me, my sight wil hav long gone hence all those beatiful women i wil not be able to sorora then and most likely by that time walking naked wil be the 'inthing'.

And i also think that most likely even if some gal wil show any interest in me...it might b hard to give her a 'standing ovation'.for sure am realy afraid.

am also imagining that in the nxt 5-10 yrs i wil be married.then i wonder to whom and how and why.
to me marriage is a war...where u sleep with the enemy. i mean society wants me to adjust my lifestyle by accommodating another human being in my life (literally)for reasons i cant understand.i start sharing my life with some other human being ati coz i need to leave descendants . to me some things can be done without necessarily sharing my good life with some1 else.
of course things like sharing of bed aint that bad an idea but it can/its being done even without marriage.
i hope i done age soo quickly and if i do i hope to outlive my fear and if i marry i get one of those pple who does nt care wot time i get home nor wot i was i was doing getting late.

but one thing am sure of is that woteva i wish for or want will not happen....and thats why am VERY AFRAID!!!!!

my valentine

i dnt really like talking about some things/ events especially if they evoke my feelings which r rare in nature.
take for example take 4 example valentines day..wot do pple like me who are single, (not by choice) have to do with it?but the period i like most is the pre and post valentine period. coz thats the time i hav tell soo many beautiful and sometimes believable lies , the gud thing is that most pple reciprocate.i remember a certain woman friend of mine telling ati how some sh** wud go down on the material night...yet i can bet that the closest that women has eva come to going down is may be during those days of cha baba na mama.
but i like listening to such lies coz they enrich my stock for next year.
but this valentine 4 me was different. i decided to do wot most women do when they say they r going out 4 a date: in simple terms i decided to treat my self, the best way i know.so i leave jobo in a hurry hoping that some one wil notice and head straight to my local.the good thing with my local is that it has some name that can be termed romantic.its called mexican bar, there is nothing really romantic about it apart from the fact that there are a few hooker who lack the front teeth. ( i guess even in that forbidden trade there r veterans).
since ati am supposed to be in red yet i dont really own any thing read....apart my primary school socks...i decide to treat my self with something that has some red.
in short i order a PILSNER ,u kno it has some red wording!
basically my valentine ends there coz the next time i look at my watch its 11 and only some 6 mischievous eyes r looking at me but am not interested........4 me my valentine is over and i enjoyed it coz it was all WET!!!!


Am waiting 4 ur LIES!!!

dont read this..its a foward

Hearts and roses and kisses galore,
What the hell is all of that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass!
I'll spend the day so drunk that I just can't speak,
And wear only black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet but it soon will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a big crock of shit!
So here is my story, what else can I say?
Love bites my ass... Fuck Valentine's Day!

wot about valentine

Some time i wish those old days of boyhood wud still exist. i mean those days when u had no stress at all.those days when feb 14th meant nothing. may be vals is good but those days we were not stressed into thinking may be your date might not show up or may be you are the only one who has no one to take out. may be those days when i were about 7 or 8 yrs whot mattered may be was how competitions i won of who urinated furthest.
Those days were good coz gals were not looked on on only specific parts of their anatomy.....i guess thats why we call them the good old days.

So wots the big deal with all this valentine thing.does it mean that if you dnt share areal good time with our partner on this day mean that you r out of touch or you r not serious.I have Neva heard someone being tauted as a lesser Christian if he failed to go to church on Christmas day!

Trust the pple of this world , they will come with all excuses of doing any thing or doing anything.we all kno vals is a day of lovers so i dnt why some gals who claim to be straight will be heard to say that they wil spend the day with their galfriends yet they claim hav boyfriends.sometimes its good to be honest with ones self......ie if nobody sees no worth taking you out go home and hope that may be nxt yr some 1 will have noticed that you have may be a nice behind or a good cleavage worth looking at on 14th night.
otherwise you can do wot men do: treat your mouth to some kissing by enjoying some unlimited cold ones

Enjoy ur Vals day all !!!!!

HOW TO BECOME A DUDE

I have this friend of mine who is always asking questions that he knows I cant answer.The kind of people who ask you the name of your girl yet he knows the closest uu have come to have a gal friend was during those days when u used to play cha baba na mama.and that is only if you were privileged to play baba.This is the kind of guy I let him live coz its illegal to shoot him.
Any way that’s neither here nor there, but I have been thinking about this question ‘wot does it take to become a dude (kafete dude).
Not that I like or hate the dudes but may be I have some scores to settle with pple who think that wasting a Wednesday night shouting to some music called rock is an inthing’i.The type who will criticize you or maybe admire you for taking alcohol in the form of cheap spirits yet they take beer and some feminine liquor called sambuca…..you just wonder wots important is it the means or the end. I mean at the end of it all both of us will be drunk and of course a piece of our liver wil be frothy( God help us)

If you want to become a dude and you like chamchom think again.Not that u stop eating chamchom but how u eat it. I mean do u go ahead and itisha ugali ya 10 bob or do u accompany it with machipo.Dudueism cals for chamchom to be accompanied by machipo…..looks simple but remember no fighting with a bone as u eat your nyamchop lest leave fellow dudes wondering wot do dogs in your home eat (auch)..but u can always retort and say ‘our dogs eat chips and occasionally go for icecream or may be a pizza (pitza)’
But that may lead u to be either branded a PUNK OR PUNKET depending on your sex, or may be FOOOOL.
If u r the shy type u might also not make it its gud u have a chips(chic) ambaye ako uuj who u can siso any time.
But be careful coz some dudes have perfected the art of waiting for others to ‘kuchemsha maji’ then they take over.
And lastly my friends if u cant read this then forget it coz this is the simplest form of dudes language.

Valentines night prayer

Oh Mary mother of JC who did conceive without sinning, may u pray for us this night that we may sin without conceiving!!
AMEN

MY CHURCH

My church is no ordinary church and when i say church ,just forget about the bible and what goes on in the real church. mine is neither related to the one you know, its only similar in rituals. i have been a member since 2002,but lately i have become a pastor and am looking foward to the post of reverend (somebodyy say AMEN)i need not to wait till sunday to attend my mass but so long as i have some offertory in my pocket and a chapel is near by, my sabbath day has come.
sometimes my sabbath day can last a whole week, thats when i want maximum blessings and i have lots of money to offer to my devotion. my best worship day though is furahi day jioni, actually when i miss friday evening mass i make sure i go for a kesha the following saturday, which means visiting various churches the whole night for maximum utility (blessings)

During the busy weekdays i usually hold bible study meetings with my fellow christians where after afew one,two, we have a group sermon where every body whohas been touched by the word shares from their heart.at this time the blessings are so much that the most embarrassing experiences are shared, i call it kufungua roho.
some times it can get ugly/beautiful depending on your level of being touched (by the gospel) when some of the members of the congregation try to outdo each other in kufungua roho. at this time it occurs to me (the pastor) that i have to intervene by leading a hymn which goes like this

eva since i came to know thy gospel
my life has changed, coz i no longer attend
morning clsses coz the spirit of the gospel has not left me
i have stopped saving inorder to give to god
what belongs to him, but of all things i am happy
coz soon my liver is going to snap and live happily eva after

As has happened since time immerial, devoteesof the gospel have been persecuted world over. Remember apul (of the real gospel)i have been persecuted and even stigmatized, but i know am just here on earth for a short time, my joys is in heaven. iwill not be slowed down by any threats coz as the gospel says many wil be called but only a few will be picked.
Miracles do happen in my church. after all the gospel is kinda real.i remember this christmas in 2004, when i lead my congregation to a 3 day mission in my rural area , we were xperiencing a budget deficit, but after the first day and night of heavy prayers we were able to secure enough funding such thst our mission extended to new year.

i can share a lot about my gospel but as we always say in my church the fewer the congregation the better coz we enjoy more gospel without the fear of it ending b4 we get possed.
today am happy that more pple are being touched by the gospel, more so after the lowering of the offertory requirement an most premium gospel.i can only call upon non believers to come and taste the gospel coz as they say the sweetness of the pudding is in the eating and happy are those who sit on pins coz they shall surely arise and proclaim.

Feminine capital

i hav not always liked women not coz i hav had a nsty experience wuth any but i jst dnt really like a lot of them.may be i even worship a few .but i dislike a number. i think even God .................

Walevi Prayer

Baba yetu
Uliye brewer
Beer zako zitufikie,
Bei yake iwe hapa kwa bar kama huko AFCO
utupe chupa zetu
Za kila siku
Utusamehe sisi walevi
Kama tunavyosamehe wasiolewa
Tusijenge kija mbali na bar, iwe karibu na butchery
Kwa kuwa beer zote ni zako
Na wines hata spirits,
Milele na Tusker
Amen

The beautiful women of lower kabete

In this world of ours many things we do always amaze me or do i say make me wonder. for example i have never really understood why we always knock on washroom doors even when we are pretty sure that no one is in, like we expect some welcome of some kind or why we always leave the same washrooms with our heads down yet the utility we get from these placeses very pleasant not to mention eventful.
May be i wil never cease to wonder coz each and every day some thing more amazing comes up, but one thing that will neva cease to amaze me is women or do i call them our sisters, any way way what eva!

Any way thats neither here nor there. The other day somebody remarked that there is no word like hate. so if u dnt like something then u r indifferent .simply put most pple (read men) are indifferent about most women. i guess the sisters will say it also applies to them but thats just a defense.i know using the word women or men might be politically incorrect in this era of pple saying 'jamii fulani, maenea fulani, jinsia fulani' but any way who cares any more about politics.
Ask any man who truly loves a woman and tell me fully raised hands will u see, if u see any it must be of a confused teenager who thinks getting laid is synonymous with love. but on the other hand ask our sisters who believe in love to stand up and you will not be disappointed.
i dont hate women, am just indifferent and i guess even God was:which makes me think that thats why Eve was her second born not first. it also makes me think that God is more of a man than a woman. But b4 i go further lemi make it clear that i love and even worship all the honorable women of this world but tell me something ' how many are they' i guess very few would be a compliment to say the least.

Lets get closer home to a place called maseno. if u ask any sister , it is a land of beautiful loving, sensitive and fashion minded women. sve me from this please, the fact that a a few corporate vehicles are packed outside maseno most Fridays means both nothing and very much.

May be am being incredibly naive or may be plain stupid but any way you tel me

But give give it to the maseno babes coz some of the characters/ qualities they claim to have are for real.Thats why most of themwill always dress in trousers so that we are not envious of their sexy legs (makes me sic) or thats why some will come to class with pajamas so that the figure 8 they claim to have or is it 0 is not seen by the 'boyz' for them to concentrate. Thats why also most of them will not answer to your greetings so that you dont hear their sexy voices (bass)

As i said these gals are beautiful and thats why they will spend 7 days a week locked up in their rooms so as not to expose their sensitive and flowless skin and if u happen to get a date with one of them you have to be romantic and take her out for lunch and dinner atleast ones a week coz u earn 1 million bob while she only depends on HELB which is only sufficient to buy avocado and sukumawiki which as i hear is a delicacy in Maseno.
But even withall these barriers the kape family has always kept the fire burning coz ,u kno wot even dogs that are said to be carnivorous sometimes eat ugali. so even those 'galitos' loving maseno babes will always accept an outing to tamtam so long as its kept undercover . Thats why u see happy men all around yet the activity level in kafete seems very low.So to all those men who value the end more than the means bigups na muendelee vivyo hivyo.

i wish were a.........

its not all the time that pple get to open their hearts and on their wishful thinking.even when they do only the assumed good wishful thinking comes out.

as i grew up i thot that being a makanga was the coolest job in the world. hanging on doors of moving matatus looked so cool.As i grew up this wish neva went away but my fasination was the money these pple seemed to hav.
Even today i still thing this job is gud but not coz of the money ....but lately av observed that these makangas seem to get all the beautiful gal.........any way who wul hate having all the hot chics by himself.

But today i wish i was a doctor........jst imagine this a doctor will undress ur wife or chic and then send u a bill. i just cant imagine me as a doc telling another man....'dude look here ur wifes body doesnot look too gud but ..i will treat her.....that wil come to 1000bob for a thorough inspection or consultation'


so whot do u wish???????

is it that am lucky or is it that av jst bn screwed............??????????

sometimes i jst wish i cud be taken back to history during those colonial days. i hav neva understood why our forefathers allowed those bloody europeans to introduce education in kenya.i jst envy the way the tradition society lived. no education....and other many stupid things of modern world like dating and valentine n so on.

i just imagine that if i were to live in the tradition society , i wud by now hav kido like 5 wives, and my only obligation to them wud have been to build a house 4 them and of course do my manly duties every other nite.

but here i am jst wishing coz the world today has spoilt women so much that if i had an option i wud marry beer rather than WOMEN...yeah women coz u kno wot am ambitious.......damm ambitious!!

sikiza hii story.
jana,or sunday is my day of relaxing and trying to think where am headed so in order to think soberly i indulge my self in a ka quarter of richot as i rest on the sofa. then my fone rings........it really suprises me coz only my creditors call on sunday and as far as i kno by bal shhet is clean.
Then my head thinks maybe its one of those women i hav met in those friday outings.
going by precedent those ones realy dont call..they beep......their thinking is that bcoz i said they were cute on that friday i will call back............oohh i pity them ...coz if only they knew that some liquids when swallowed makes everything look beautiful.....


any way i gain enough courage and pick the phone and beleive or not its a woman.since i kno women luv to talk i just listen.like other men i can only say yes...okay...yeah...to every thing am told.
the call is over .so i try to come to my senses..and u kno wot av jst been booked for valentine.....
so am left wondering is that av jst been screwed or is that am so lucky..........................

u tel me

what women want

dude, if you are the kind of guy half the women folk the world over are looking for how come you do not know?
so here is the ladies man himself to the rescue:
they are all different, basically, all of them do like to be with a guy who listens coz thats just the way they are. yip yappers. they talk and talk and talk. so all you have to do is pay attention and be careful not to float. read wide and inform yourself on what they care for. perhaps you know that they are very sentimental. so tenderness when dealing with them is a virtue.
learn how to read her and ask what she'd love to have someone do when shez pissed,sad,moody...........
learn to listen to both what she says and most of what she doesnt.
a little physical contact wont hurt her though it might you in a different sence.
she wants to be held and touched, shed like to be talked to,shed want a dude who will bother knowing who she is and not what she looks like although shed greatly appreciate it if you tell them they look good.
shed want a dude who will tell her sweet things, who will not infringe on her space but will be available to her always.
do not ascert your bloody maleness on her and the greatest cardinal rule of all. do not tell her you are just friends if you want more than that.
remember you can make all this crap mean a thing only if you care for that someone. the reverse is quite true if you dont.

wot do women want

mimi sijua kama ni mimi pekee ama all jamaaz hav experinced this.
the big question is whot do WOMEN want.????????